Once you have gone through the tears sit yourself down and just think of the good and not so good times you both had! Honestly think of when both of you weren’t happy with your own and each other’s actions and what could have been done to prevent an inner battle for those actions either yours or his! If you feel you let the marriage down then say that if the marriage opportunity comes up again then be honest and share your opinion that you have this tendency for this to happen and you need help to control it! My wife died just 4 years ago and I had this inner battle that this would rear its’ ugly head!!!This didn’t cause my wife’s death but in retrospect I hated myself for being so petty and dishonest regarding this weakness!!! Neal(330 606 0669)! Let’s talk if you want to ! No alterior motives!!!
Regina, I want you to know how much I cherish everything you write. I'm so sorry such a beautiful soul has to go through something like this. Life isn't fair! You're awesome. Love you!
I went through what you're going through 20+ years ago. It wasn't a great marriage. I thought maybe it WAS my fault. I told God I was done with men; but if He wanted someone in my life, He had to drop him in my lap because I wasn't going out looking. And He did! Chris is/was the love of my life! Our marriage wasn't that long, but they were the best years of my life! God WILL provide!
What you are going through are the same emotions and realities I’m facing as a widow, having bern married 37 years. Grief is grief. It’s letting go, and moving on. It’s the “free to be me” part of life. Embrace it.
Regina, congratulations on this beautiful expression and how you often perceive life events with fresh understanding, a new perspective. Yes. You get to love him though you're no longer his flavor.
Bless you all days and ways, dearest One Regina! Always, I'm grateful to give my Self time to read your writings which cross my path.
Thank you for your real words of loss & hope. I'm so tired of people wanting to not mention the Pain of Loss & covering it with Pipe Dreams. You are an example of Radical Acceptance, Regina.
Check out this very cool book written by an American Tibetan "nun" called 'Radical Acceptance". I can only read it in parts. I'll copy the book cover 4 you, later. You're LOVED. Regina!
I’ve been where you are. It’s devastating and debilitating. It’s also liberating. So many swirling thoughts and overwhelming feelings to manage. Or lean into. ❤️
Being left is so hard, working to remember the best and getting the sad, angry hard parts out is such a good way to live in your new life. My husband left many years ago, I was busy being a Mom and surviving. Many years later I can finally look at his picture and see the good, not only the hurt and pain. Hugs
I am taking your words to heart remembering and now dealing with more evidence that what I am going through with a sibling is as one insensitive attorney said long ago (and not mine) that this is like a divorce. My only sibling left town some 20+ years ago. Stating minutes before she departed, less than a foot away from me in her kitchen, that if mom and dad needed help when they got older (mom had just turned 80 and dad was 85 at the time), I should "just" put them in a "home", because I was entitled to a life of my own TOO. Flash forward to Feb 2023; they had been married going on 74 years or so, mom was in hospice here at the home we all knew and loved and dad had worked so hard for. Dad was then 105 years old. He'd endured bypass surgery, celebrated his 100th (wellll, he said when I asked if he wanted a party....you're only 100 once.....)and got a pacemaker just afterward. And worst of all he'd endured the loss of all his siblings many years prior, and now the loss of mom, who was pretty much bedbound and becoming less communicative...That was the biggest blow of all to him, and he...well, he gave up. ALways active and engaged he one day said he wished he would go to sleep and god would take him. And so it was. He got his wish and the one to "go" before mom. Mom didn't voice any sense of his not being around, but almost exactly a year to the day, mom who had stopped eating and drinking as well as she had, began sleeping more, and poof, one evening she was gone. I grieved their loss...and one day the sibling, 4 years younger, asked if I had "heard" anything about the will. She has gone through 4 or 5 attorneys in this area, for reasons unknown. If I was referred to one or attempted to call, my calls were not even answered. THEN the supposedly one of the best elder law attorneys in town mom, dad and I had met with, announces with a month's notice she is retiring. I had met with her regarding mom's death and the will...which could not be found, so mom officially died intestate and the bottom line is that if I wish to stay in the house, which I need and want to do for too many reasons to list here, I will have to buy the siblings half out. With a limited income. After caregiving for both parents and handling as much as I could for years. It turned out that not only have I lost my parents, and only a few cousins out of state and one elder aunt remain, I have lost my sibling. It turns out that she had all of us conned. Not a loving daughter or sibling, but hateful and spiteful one for wrongs that can only be guessed at and imagined from decades ago. Seems she may have married and divorced and moved, but she never grew up, never accepted the wrongs she felt were done by her parents were the best they could do at the time. She cares about no one but herself, and wants every penny she can get. She has forwarded through her attorney personal items of mom and dad's that never existed or did exist and have been missing for years and she knows it. Claiming items that I suddenly discovered are not here, and generating more belief in me that she stole things when she had the opportunity and smuggled it home in her suitcase. Knowing this and still adding them to her list along with furniture she claims is valuable and other items. I should note that not many years ago I nearly died, and while I am doing relatively well, stress is very bad for me as it increases BP which has an impact on what happened. She knows this. And so as much as I cared and loved her, it is gone. She hates all of us, me the only one remaining in her way. She has hurt me beyond words I can string together. I am shocked. Devastated. Hurt. I often wonder if I were to get a phone call from a nurse or doctor saying she was near death, would I go rush to her side. I don't know. I recall the times I might have been telling her about something mom or dad did that was challenging...and her response was devoid of any compassion, empathy or understanding. She didn't care and I was too blind to believe it. She would say "You made your choices." I don't anticipate ever seeing or speaking to her again. It pains me. I took note, Regina of the group you found and the book that was pictured. The wounds are too fresh and deep for me to feel and possibility of coming to peace with this now. She is a conniver and left me to deal with all of the mess. I tried. She may be retiring in the next year or two and I sent a note. Brief. If you move back here we could share the house and expenses and you could probably afford to vacation in FL in winters she so hates. No response. And so it goes. Just like a divorce.
You are brave, dear friend, to write this.
Thanks for helping me grow my bravery muscles!
🙏🏼💔🙏🏼
Once you have gone through the tears sit yourself down and just think of the good and not so good times you both had! Honestly think of when both of you weren’t happy with your own and each other’s actions and what could have been done to prevent an inner battle for those actions either yours or his! If you feel you let the marriage down then say that if the marriage opportunity comes up again then be honest and share your opinion that you have this tendency for this to happen and you need help to control it! My wife died just 4 years ago and I had this inner battle that this would rear its’ ugly head!!!This didn’t cause my wife’s death but in retrospect I hated myself for being so petty and dishonest regarding this weakness!!! Neal(330 606 0669)! Let’s talk if you want to ! No alterior motives!!!
Thanks for sharing all your insights.
Regina, I want you to know how much I cherish everything you write. I'm so sorry such a beautiful soul has to go through something like this. Life isn't fair! You're awesome. Love you!
Thanks for the note. Life isn't fair... but it's still good!
I went through what you're going through 20+ years ago. It wasn't a great marriage. I thought maybe it WAS my fault. I told God I was done with men; but if He wanted someone in my life, He had to drop him in my lap because I wasn't going out looking. And He did! Chris is/was the love of my life! Our marriage wasn't that long, but they were the best years of my life! God WILL provide!
You give me hope that there might be another love in my life. Thanks!
What you are going through are the same emotions and realities I’m facing as a widow, having bern married 37 years. Grief is grief. It’s letting go, and moving on. It’s the “free to be me” part of life. Embrace it.
Sorry for your loss. Glad to hear that you are embracing life in a new way. I'm just getting started, so thanks for the encouragement.
You wrote what I couldn’t seven years ago. Thank you Regina! One day at a time. 💛
Hope you are finding new joy every day!
Regina, congratulations on this beautiful expression and how you often perceive life events with fresh understanding, a new perspective. Yes. You get to love him though you're no longer his flavor.
Bless you all days and ways, dearest One Regina! Always, I'm grateful to give my Self time to read your writings which cross my path.
Thanks for the boost!
You're most welcome, Regina.
Many know me as a joy bringer!
Thank you for your real words of loss & hope. I'm so tired of people wanting to not mention the Pain of Loss & covering it with Pipe Dreams. You are an example of Radical Acceptance, Regina.
I love that -- radical acceptance. My newsletter this Sunday is about inciting joy.
Check out this very cool book written by an American Tibetan "nun" called 'Radical Acceptance". I can only read it in parts. I'll copy the book cover 4 you, later. You're LOVED. Regina!
I’ve been where you are. It’s devastating and debilitating. It’s also liberating. So many swirling thoughts and overwhelming feelings to manage. Or lean into. ❤️
Liberating. I sure want to lean in to that!
Being left is so hard, working to remember the best and getting the sad, angry hard parts out is such a good way to live in your new life. My husband left many years ago, I was busy being a Mom and surviving. Many years later I can finally look at his picture and see the good, not only the hurt and pain. Hugs
Hugs back at you!
I too feel all these things and hope to have the grace to one day say I wish him happiness.
And meanwhile, I wish YOU great happiness.
I am taking your words to heart remembering and now dealing with more evidence that what I am going through with a sibling is as one insensitive attorney said long ago (and not mine) that this is like a divorce. My only sibling left town some 20+ years ago. Stating minutes before she departed, less than a foot away from me in her kitchen, that if mom and dad needed help when they got older (mom had just turned 80 and dad was 85 at the time), I should "just" put them in a "home", because I was entitled to a life of my own TOO. Flash forward to Feb 2023; they had been married going on 74 years or so, mom was in hospice here at the home we all knew and loved and dad had worked so hard for. Dad was then 105 years old. He'd endured bypass surgery, celebrated his 100th (wellll, he said when I asked if he wanted a party....you're only 100 once.....)and got a pacemaker just afterward. And worst of all he'd endured the loss of all his siblings many years prior, and now the loss of mom, who was pretty much bedbound and becoming less communicative...That was the biggest blow of all to him, and he...well, he gave up. ALways active and engaged he one day said he wished he would go to sleep and god would take him. And so it was. He got his wish and the one to "go" before mom. Mom didn't voice any sense of his not being around, but almost exactly a year to the day, mom who had stopped eating and drinking as well as she had, began sleeping more, and poof, one evening she was gone. I grieved their loss...and one day the sibling, 4 years younger, asked if I had "heard" anything about the will. She has gone through 4 or 5 attorneys in this area, for reasons unknown. If I was referred to one or attempted to call, my calls were not even answered. THEN the supposedly one of the best elder law attorneys in town mom, dad and I had met with, announces with a month's notice she is retiring. I had met with her regarding mom's death and the will...which could not be found, so mom officially died intestate and the bottom line is that if I wish to stay in the house, which I need and want to do for too many reasons to list here, I will have to buy the siblings half out. With a limited income. After caregiving for both parents and handling as much as I could for years. It turned out that not only have I lost my parents, and only a few cousins out of state and one elder aunt remain, I have lost my sibling. It turns out that she had all of us conned. Not a loving daughter or sibling, but hateful and spiteful one for wrongs that can only be guessed at and imagined from decades ago. Seems she may have married and divorced and moved, but she never grew up, never accepted the wrongs she felt were done by her parents were the best they could do at the time. She cares about no one but herself, and wants every penny she can get. She has forwarded through her attorney personal items of mom and dad's that never existed or did exist and have been missing for years and she knows it. Claiming items that I suddenly discovered are not here, and generating more belief in me that she stole things when she had the opportunity and smuggled it home in her suitcase. Knowing this and still adding them to her list along with furniture she claims is valuable and other items. I should note that not many years ago I nearly died, and while I am doing relatively well, stress is very bad for me as it increases BP which has an impact on what happened. She knows this. And so as much as I cared and loved her, it is gone. She hates all of us, me the only one remaining in her way. She has hurt me beyond words I can string together. I am shocked. Devastated. Hurt. I often wonder if I were to get a phone call from a nurse or doctor saying she was near death, would I go rush to her side. I don't know. I recall the times I might have been telling her about something mom or dad did that was challenging...and her response was devoid of any compassion, empathy or understanding. She didn't care and I was too blind to believe it. She would say "You made your choices." I don't anticipate ever seeing or speaking to her again. It pains me. I took note, Regina of the group you found and the book that was pictured. The wounds are too fresh and deep for me to feel and possibility of coming to peace with this now. She is a conniver and left me to deal with all of the mess. I tried. She may be retiring in the next year or two and I sent a note. Brief. If you move back here we could share the house and expenses and you could probably afford to vacation in FL in winters she so hates. No response. And so it goes. Just like a divorce.
"I may no longer be his favorite flavor of ice cream, but I’m mine."
Self-worth and strength to find a way of letting go without subtracting the value. It's not an easy task. Brave and beautiful article 💙
With some it took me years, with others days to weeks. I guess like you said, it's the imprint they left on your heart.